HOSPITAL
HUMOR
By
JANICE BLAKE
Hospital patients say the funniest things after they’ve had IV margaritas pumped into their veins. This is a collection of actual patient sayings Janice Blake has recorded over the years. She knows you will laugh as hard as she did, allowing those endorphins to flow. After all, “Laughter is the best medicine.”
Janice
Blake is a Registered Nurse with more than twenty-three years on the job. In her career of bedside nursing and patient
care she feels she has seen and heard it all.
The author extends a special thank you to all of her patients for their
humor because without them she couldn’t have compiled this wonderful collection
of humorous sayings.
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Copyright 2005
HOSPITAL
HUMOR
By
JANICE BLAKE
Copyright 2005
e-Book
HOSPITAL
HUMOR
By
JANICE BLAKE
DEDICATION
I
dedicate this booklet to my Mother, who had a great sense of humor. Not only for her teaching us good values, but
because she is directly responsible for my being alive. I also thank my daughter for typing this
manuscript.
HOSPITAL
HUMOR
One evening while caring for a
physician in ICU I asked him, “What kind of doctor is your wife?” He replied, “Well, she’s a good doctor.”
A 65-year-old gentleman was
starting to get undressed as I came into the room. I apologized and as I was closing the door he
replied, “Oh, I don’t have anything that would thrill anybody.”
A patient with a severe allergy
to penicillin had a red allergy sticker stuck to his groin where they were
going to do the surgery.
I heard two male patients talking about vomiting after a “big night on the town” and he referred to it as “driving that big white bus.”
One day a female dentist from the Texas Department of Corrections was my patient. I asked her if she was afraid of the inmates. She said, “When I pass the big injection needle in front of the tough men, they settle down quite a bit.”
Before surgery one day, a patient said to the surgeon, “Now don’t do a lobotomy on me, I don’t have much sense to begin with.”
One day, a General Surgeon came to pick up his father after a colonoscopy. While he was in the wheelchair on the way to the car, I told the gentleman he needed to take it easy for a day. The surgeon told his father, “Well, Dad, I’ll wait a couple of hours before I bring over the insulation, then we can get started on the attic.”
A patients’ husband was a funeral director. I asked him to help dress his wife in a laying-down position. After he got his wife dressed, I commented on what a good job he had done and he said, “Well, I am used to dressing people laying down. The only difference was that I didn’t ask for the scissors.”
I had a morbidly obese patient that was obviously over 200 lbs. He had written “130” on his questionnaire in the “weight” entry. I told him I knew what I weighed and I bet he had written the wrong weight down. He said, laughingly, “Oh, that’s in kilograms.”
In the recovery room a wife asked her husband, “Was I on gas?” The man replied, “You had both…gas and IV seduction.”
After a colonoscopy procedure a lady asked her husband, “Did we do it last night?”
When a woman was staggering to the restroom after she had been given some narcotics, I asked her if she was okay and she replied, “I’ve had drunks worse than this.”
One day, a man was telling his wife how to act after her procedure. She said, “Okay, Boss spelled backwards is double S-O-B.”
An elderly woman was concerned about her husband sleeping in his own bed after his surgery. He turned to me and said, “She’s getting excited because I told her she could sleep with me tonight.”
A woman told the orderly, “You don’t have permission to look at my behind.”
After sclerotherapy treatment, a patient commented, “I had some sharp pains in my esophagus area. It felt like they were driving stakes into my chest.”
The transportation person asked the patient who was going to surgery, “Do you have anything to take out of your mouth? Any partial plates, dentures, or underwear?”
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